


Beyond Repair

by wickedlittletown



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: F/M, Force Bond (Star Wars), Hurt/Comfort, Inappropriate Use of the Force, Post-TLJ, Shared History, Slow-ish Burn?, two awkward nerfherders trying their best
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-05
Updated: 2018-07-10
Packaged: 2019-06-05 13:30:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,030
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15171740
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wickedlittletown/pseuds/wickedlittletown
Summary: After months of keeping herself closed off from the bond, Rey lets her guard down.





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After months of keeping herself closed off from the bond, Rey lets her guard down.

“You let me in.”

The look on Ben Solo’s face was nothing short of surprise, but all he felt was fear. It had been months since he had felt even the slightest whisper of Rey’s force signature, and any attempt at communication had been pushed away, blocked by the mental walls Rey had so carefully constructed. As much as he wished that their reunion would be a happy one, he couldn’t help worrying that she had called out to him in pain or in danger. 

Rey sighed, looking down at her lap as she sat cross-legged on her resistance-issued cot.

“I was tired,” she muttered, as she fussed with the sleeves of her sweater. “Keeping the bond closed takes a lot of energy.” Ben could feel the chill of whatever planet she had found herself on, and immediately grabbed a blanket off the chair in his quarters. Rey tensed, but allowed him to rest the blanket over her shoulders, pulling it tight around her. They sat in silence - Ben afraid to pry, Rey afraid to overshare - until,

“Do you know anything about the sacred Jedi texts?” Rey asked, still avoiding eye contact, but more afraid of the silence between them than whatever his answer could be.

“I know what Luke derived from them, but other than that, nothing.”

Rey shifted, and reached under her cot for her satchel. 

“Well, I can’t read them. I don’t even recognize the characters, and-”

“You took them?”

“From the temple, yes, before I left. I didn’t know what Luke would do if provoked, so,”

“You took them.”

Rey reached into her bag, gently pulling out the books.

“I took them. Haven’t found them very helpful, though.”

Ben reached out with a gloved hand, and Rey handed him a book. He flipped the pages, puzzling over phrases in hopes of deriving any sort of meaning.

“I’ve never seen anything like this.”

Rey smiled and met his gaze.

“Guess you aren’t very helpful either.”

Ben looked away, hesitating to reciprocate the lightheartedness of her response. He cleared his throat, trying to regain composure.

“Did Luke tell you anything about the Jedi?" He asked. "Something that could help with these?”

“Nothing that seemed to matter, no.”

“Of course not.” He took a deep, shaky breath. “Luke was, is, withholding. Even as a teacher, he left us with no guidance, and made sure we figured out the answer on our own. If that answer wasn’t the one he’d derived from his own flawed training, it was our fault.”

“That’s why I used this.” Rey pulled out a small, leather notebook and flipped it open, revealing pages of precise notes and sketches that she feathered through with ease, as Ben struggled to maintain a neutral expression. Finally, she came to the inside of the front cover. _Property of Ben Solo_. “I figured you’d want it back.”

Ben’s lip quivered, and he knew if he tried to respond the floodgates would open and he’d be resolved to a crying, shaking mess. Not a great position for the Supreme Leader to put himself in, but something about being here, with Rey, soothed him.

Rey felt his conflict, and placed the notebook next to him.

“You don’t have to take it,” she pointed out. “I just wanted to give you the option.”

“Thank you.”

And again, they were left with silence. Ben walked away and returned with two steaming mugs of tea, handing one to Rey. She reached out to take it and felt her fingertips brush against his gloves, causing the tips of her ears to turn red. They sat closer to each other now, sipping their tea and waiting. 

Ben took a final sip and placed his mug on the floor beside him.

“What happened on Ahch-to?”

Rey fidgeted, tapping her fingernails on the smooth ceramic between her hands.

“Nothing important.”

“But you left. You could have stayed and been trained by the famous Luke Skywalker, but you went back to the Resistance.”

Rey exhaled. “After Luke saw us together, he… panicked, I guess. He tried to run away, and I knocked him down. I forced him to tell me what had really happened that night, and…”

Rey felt herself blinking back tears, telling herself the cold was the only reason behind her quiet sniffles. “I told him that I knew there was still light in you. That one day, you and I would stand together.”

She couldn’t bear to look him in the eye, not like this. Not when she had kept him away for so long, not when she pushed away any hope of the future she saw when they touched hands. She sensed his pain through the bond, and tried to ignore it as she wiped her eyes with the back of her hand and spoke.

“I wish it was over.”

“What?" 

“All of it. The Jedi. The fighting. The power. I don’t want to be the Resistance hero, or the force-sensitive girl who everyone is scared of. I was happy with being a nobody.” She was sobbing now, her voice muffled by Ben’s blanket, which she had buried her head in. She pushed herself to the edge of the cot and looked up, eyes finally meeting Ben’s.

“You called me nothing. I wish I could be nothing.”

The tears flowed freely now, and Rey shut her eyes, allowing herself to be consumed by the emotions she had suppressed for so long.

Ben should have frozen. He knew he didn’t know how to console her, and at the very least, he should have been terrified that this woman, his supposed mortal enemy, was a mere few inches away from him. He felt her vulnerability seep through the bond, and he slipped off his gloves, reaching to wipe her eyes and allowing himself to rest his hand on her cheek.

Rey opened her eyes and backed away, startled by the contact. When his hand left her skin, she was gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello all! this is my first fic, so please be gentle in the comments (constructive criticism is always appreciated though)! the first few chapters will be sort of one-shots, but there will definitely be underlying themes that develop into ~real plot~ & they'll be posted in chronological order. chapters will likely be longer in the future once I get into a better groove with writing and really decide how I want the story to play out! special thanks to my lovely friend the_three_garridebs, who helped me convince myself to sit down and write this & helped me fix all the weird parts!!


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben has a nightmare.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> short, vague summary? you betcha. I don't want to give any of the good stuff away!! enjoy!!

_“Ben.”_

_Ben’s eyes opened, slowly. He bathed in the warm yellow light pouring in through the open windows, and ran his hands over the pale silk sheets draped over him. The room isn’t his, but something about it seems… familiar. He sat up, still in a sleepy daze._

_“Ben.”_

_He turned, following the sound, and sees her. Rey, in an oversized black sleep shirt - his? She walked over to him and sat on the bed, gently running a hand through his hair._

_“Sleep well?” She smiles, and Ben swears he can see the glimmer in her eye._

_“What did I do to deserve you?” He leaned in and whispered, placing his hand just the slightest bit closer to where hers rested on the bed._

_“You didn’t do anything. You didn’t have to.” She took his hand in hers. “Because you don’t deserve me.”_

_Ben forced a gentle laugh, but Rey’s face was harsh, and her grip on his hand is tight, almost painful. He pulled away, just enough to gauge the severity of her expression_

_“What do you mean?”_

_“I mean you don’t deserve me. What have you done - what could you ever possibly do - that would make anything you’ve done forgivable.” Her eyes were dark, her brow furrowed. She looked furious. Evil. “You think you are worth the time of the Resistance’s most powerful individual, someone who worked their way out of the slums and became so, so successful.”_

_“Rey, what are you saying? This isn’t you!”_

_“How would you know. I could never really open up to someone like you. Kylo Ren, the monster.”_

_Before Ben could react, Rey vanished, leaving nothing but pale marks on his hand where she’d held on too tightly. Ben was alone._

 

* * *

 

Ben shot up, eyes quickly scanning the dark room. Nothing. Was it too much to hope for that she would be there to comfort him? No, better that she wasn’t. He’d rather feel the pain and use it to his benefit than deal with the embarrassment. She’s seen his dreams before, and been frightened, even disgusted, by the usually gruesome imagery. This was a whole other animal. The vulnerability, the honesty. He wasn’t ready for her to know any of it. 

As if it was on cue, he felt the slightest itch at the edge of his consciousness. He should have known better than to think of her when she could appear before him in his distressed state. He grabbed the holopad next to him to check the time - god, it was late at night. He turned on the small lamp next to him, and reached out.

Rey stood, with the blanket he gave her during their last connection resting on her shoulders. Her hair was wet and tangled, and she tiptoed across the cold floor in soft socks rolled tightly around her ankles to keep them from falling down. 

“Can’t sleep?” She asked, giving him a small smile. 

“Nightmares.” 

“Me too.” Rey let out a soft yawn. She could feel every ounce of Ben’s exhaustion through the bond - when was the last time he’d gotten a full night’s sleep? 

Ben shifted, uncomfortable.

“Do you want to talk about it?” 

“Not really.” Rey moved to sit next to him. “Unless you do? We could-“

“No.” Ben rubbed his eyes. “It’s, um, I just don’t want to think about it.”

Rey nodded. It wasn’t as if she had anything to hide - the bond had connected them in dreams before, and they’ve both witnessed their fair share of haunting imaginations, but reliving them, putting that pain into words, was so much worse.

“Can you do something for me?”

“Depends.”

“On?”

“What you want me to do.”

Rey sighed. This wouldn’t be an easy battle.

“Tell me about your childhood.” 

Ben was silent. He turned away, trying not to project any emotions through the bond.

Rey reached a hand out to him, but hesitated, placing her hands in front of her on the bed instead. The movement caught Ben’s eye, and when he looked at her, all he could see was that blind optimism. Hope. He couldn’t say no to her. He just couldn’t.

“If I do, will you let me, um…” He gestured to her hair, which was quickly starting to dry. “It’ll turn into one big knot if no one brushes it.”

Rey blushed 

“Okay.”

Ben stood and walked over to his dresser, grabbing a brush. She turned, giving him room to sit on the bed behind her. She could feel the heat radiating off of him, but still shivered when she felt the slightest touch - the back of his gloveless fingers against her neck. He began to work through the tangles with more care than Rey had ever imagined possible. He was so… gentle.

“What do you want to know?”

“Hmm?”

“About my childhood.”

“Oh. Was it… good?”

“Good?”

“Happy, I guess.”

“It was…” Ben sighed. “I was a quiet kid. Shy, lonely. It didn’t really lend itself to my parents’ careers, so I spent a lot of time at home. Alone.”

Rey turned.

“I want you to know that I’m not trying to figure you out, or anything. I’m just curious. I don’t really know what normal childhood is like.”

“Tell me about yours.” Ben put his hands on Rey’s shoulders, turning her around so he could continue brushing.

“I would tinker with things, fix them so they could be sold.”

“I used to build model ships.”

“I had a helmet I found on a dead rebel pilot, and made a little doll out of the orange fabric scraps from his clothes.”

“I played cards with my Uncle Lando whenever Han wasn’t around. He never let me win." 

“I used to scratch a line on the wall very day so I would never lose count of how long it had been.”

“I used to paint.”

“I’ve always wanted to paint.”

Ben parted her hair perfectly down the middle, carefully lifting the damp pieces that stuck to her shoulders. Rey turned to face him and tucked her hair behind both ears, trying to suppress her grin. Finally, she took his hand.

“Thank you, Ben.”

They sat together - her hand over his, eyes locked, until the bond slowly fizzled out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> why am I so obsessed with writing the super intimate but also not super physically affectionate moments for these two?! it's gonna take some time for my babies to realize that they can do more than just chat but for now I'm focusing on emotional intimacy :)
> 
> thank you so so much to everyone who left kudos and commented on the last chapter!! it really does mean the world to me!!


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